Everyone Craps Their Pants

Max’s PersonFor at least 10 years Bill and I were putting one foot in front of the other. Head down -no looking backward or forward. So many things suffered: work, relationships, Harrison, Jordan, Family, friendships, accounting, housekeeping, gardening, hygiene-anything that required maintenance became a bit slippery. Wait a minute-what doesn’t require maintenance?

For a good 10 years I was Max’s person. I took care of most of the duties an autistic child requires. Bill contributed with the things he is really good at like research, getting funding and firing people. He was not in the “inner circle” -who was? Me and Max. Of course Bill would take the kids someplace so I could get a nap-but I was “numeral uno”-the “big dog” as my dad likes to say (about himself of course). 

As Max grew taller we sensed a change in the air. I still had control with him-but this was before he understood what people say all the time: size does matter. When he hit puberty he developed that winning combination of size, strength and anger. Just like any teenage boy -only without all the self control. No self control whatsoever. He figured out that I could no longer chase him, pick him up and take him home or talk him out of candy, candy CANDY! This is when I stopped being his person. Bill stepped up to the job. Well he had to-Harrison was away at college. 

Now Bill was his person and I was following behind and never, ever taking the reins. And the times I did make this mistake I regretted it. Like the visit to Ikea when I followed Max all the way along the path and started the path over again to find Bill where we lost him. By the time we found him, I was flop sweating and shaking-Max was eating the candy he picked up along the way. My biggest fears were not realized. I did not have to spend the night in the bedding department. 

I also could not take him anywhere that they didn’t have family bathrooms. Women don’t appreciate a six foot boy with all his equipment in the locker room if you know what I mean. Who knew?

When in a public place with Max your attention must be first and foremost on Max. You know my old adage-the one who’s pooping on the floor gets the attention. Often you go about your business and try not to gage how well you are doing by the looks on other peoples faces. That is a rabbit hole. 

 We were having dinner with my family at my sisters’ house. Bill was talking about when he takes max swimming at our health club. This is no easy chore. A guy who regularly sees them told Bill how much he admires how hard Bill works to accomplish this task. Now as Bill is telling this story, he is getting emotional. I realize that Bill receives so little encouragement for his hard work and how important it is when you are slogging away with your head down. The negative reactions of people are what we have learned to expect and the positive are so restorative… and rare. 

Last Saturday we took Max to DSW to buy a new pair of shoes. This has nightmare possibilities. Getting him to sit for measuring and trying on more than one pair is challenging to put it kindly. I gave up long ago braving it on my own with him. We never got thrown out of a shoe store but…let’s not go there. So after our trip, I thought to myself, self? That wasn’t so bad-dare I say it bordered on easy. Max cannot resist long aisles -they look like landing strips. And they BEG him to run back and forth with wild abandon. This is not unique to him-many autistic kids feel the same temptation. Think about every store you have shopped in-this is no small challenge. I would throw myself in front of him-trying to block this run with very little success. Then I would follow him so he wouldn’t bang into anyone, apologizing to customers and staff as I went. More than once I found him in the ladies dress shoes where he had squeezed his feet into the highest pair of “come f**k me pumps” and was trying to walk in them. I’ve even considered getting a pair in his size so he didn’t do the same with my shoes. Do not judge. 

This day tho-we attacked it with military precision. We walk in and see a familiar and kind face who remembers us…in a good way. Always a good sign. Bill sets out to find the measuring tool and shoes in a variety of sizes. I stand in the middle of the back aisle while Max runs back and forth laughing like a loon. People are smart enough to get out of the way and I say things like “he needs his exercise” and “he is practicing for the upcoming Olympics”. 

We get the signal from Bill that he is ready for us. We measure and try on 2 different sizes and the kind staff member helps us decide. This takes 1-2 minutes. Then with his new shoes on Max resumes his Olympic practice convincing us all that it is the correct size. I go and stand in the check out line while she cuts the alarm thingy off the shoes and they go out to the car. When I meet them there, I am not flop sweating…it’s a miracle. See–easy peasy.

I wish I had some of this insight in the moment but sometimes progress is only recognized when you are looking back.